Searching

It's become apparent to me in the past week or two how much I've grown over the past year.
I've been reading a lot of books about life.
I've been fed a lot about scripture and God and Christ.
I've realized that the love coming from God and sent to me is completely irrational and is completely true.
But that' s besides my point.

"When my time comes,
forget the wrong that I've done,
help me leave behind some reasons
to be missed."

I've been thinking a lot about my impact here. What kind of legacy am I leaving? What impact do I have on people. Where is my focus...?

I can only hope that one day these questions will be answered for me and I don't have to be so insecure. (Although, I'm far more confident now than I was a few months ago. It amazes me how one event can change a person's entire life.)
Well, now I'm hinting and being secretive and that's not what I want to do.
I am an open book and I am honest. I'll be blunt and answer your questions. No beating around the bush for me anymore.
I've come to realize that I'm no longer the writer I used to be. I'm not as furious at the world...only upset that I havn't made a change yet. I'm no longer angry at people, but the reasons they irritate me. I've come to really irritate myself with the way I act.

Who I am is NOT who I want to be.

I'm way off from my origional point...which was how much I've changed, how life is chaning, how I'm making new decisions.

Realizing that this life is not about me...is the scariest thing I've ever realized. Suddenly I'm looking at colleges, thinking about who I'm leaving behind, broken relationships I've never mended and people I hurt that I never apologized to. I'm downright scared.
But, somehow it's thrilling.
I'm getting a car, I'm becoming an adult. I'm working to make my own money; I'm paying my way to Europe next summer....
And again...
I'm done slacking; I've got work to do; I'm leaving friends behind, letting go of hopes, building new dreams, and wandering in the black.
(I can only be thankful that God's got me on this one, but going into the world is a completely new thing for me.)

I've found, as I've grown, I've become far less incoherent (although the preceding paragraphs suggest otherwise) and I'm actually focused on how I really feel about people...not just guys but people in general.
I've realized that writing may not be a career for me...if the cards play like that. My good friend Collin, when asked to give me some inspiration for a poem, said: "that's your problem... if you have no IDEA to write about, then i recommend finding something else to do unfortunately. your subject is looking for you right now, so no point in looking for it."
Although I was slightly surprised by his tone, he was completely right and since I've just let the subjects come to me.
Not many poems have come out, but the ones that did were fairly good.

Grrr...what else to talk about?

Well, I've decided to look at more colleges than just Hanover, but something is holding me back on scholarships. I'm a little timid in that area.

College seems so close, but when I look out, it seems so far too. I still want to do so many things before then.
I got published, so that's something I'll cross off the list.

Here's the full list of what to do before I leave for college:

1. Make a YouTube series (vlogs or comedy or music videos or whatever)
2. Meet someone great and take it SLOW.
3. Sneak out and don't get caught.
4. Seek forgiveness
5. Find my style.
6. Become MC for Senior Class Live
7. Rekindle old flames.
8. Go to Paris (coming soon!!! summer '09)
9. Pass AP FRENCH
10. Get a scholarship
11. Learn to dance
12. Go to Prom (with someone special)
13. Lead at least one person to Christ
14. Write a song
15. Go on a road trip
16. Get a Cannon camera and start taking pictures
17. Become a piano MASTAH
18. Act my age
19. Become a 4 year old again :D
20. Find contentment